by Jack Handy
If you ever drop your keys into a river
of molten lava, let'em go,
because, man, they're gone.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them
down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason."
To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when
you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a
hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
cried and cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a
pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland,
but it was getting pretty late.
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the
If you lived in the Dark Ages and you were a catapult operator, I
bet the most common question people would ask is, "Can't you make it
shoot farther?" "No, I'm sorry. That's as far as it shoots."
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful
flamingo, flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's
carrying a beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a very
beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our
children's children, because I don't think children should be having
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell
him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the
mirror, because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no
choreography and the dancers hit each other.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world and they choose a king, they
don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with
some good ideas.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call
them "impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so
what, can't we all be brothers?
Probably the earliest fly swatters were nothing more than some sort
of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I wish I would have a real tragic love affair and get so bummed out
that I'd just quit my job and become a bum for a few years, because
I was thinking about doing that anyway.
I think a good gift for the President would be a chocolate revolver.
And since he's so busy, you'd probably have to run up to him real
quick and hand it to him.
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word
itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words
"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery and
that's why so is mankind.
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying
forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
It's easy to sit there and say you'd like to have more money. And I
guess that's what I like about it. It's easy. Just sitting there,
rocking back and forth, wanting that money.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus and a clown killed my dad.
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red
again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a
bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs
in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea
but it's just eggs hatching.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there,
in the room talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park
and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and
go to sleep.
Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out
it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like
a regular window.
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not
putting on your armor because you were "just going down to the
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people,
like I am now.
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call
the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and
started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and
whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger
toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now
it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had
whittled off the paint.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and
take that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I
bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was
reading a magazine.
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures,
to teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about
adopting the vulture.
Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe
If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and
while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then
put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know
what to tell you.
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run
with a wooden stake.
If you go to a costume party at your boss's house, wouldn't you
think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss's wife?
Trust me, it's not.
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a
dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you'd
look out your little window and think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm not out in
Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over
here, looking through your stuff.
For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip: why not
add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?
I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a
fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the
ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that's a
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new name for
yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname "Fly
Head." Normally you would think that "fly Head" would mean a person
who has beautiful swept-back features, as if flying through the air.
But think again. Couldn't it also mean "having a head like a fly"?
I'm afraid some people might actually think that.
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are
losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and
nobody got scared.
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: "That guy sure owed
me a lot of money."
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then,
Yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.
I think a good product would be "Baby Duck Hat." It's a fake baby
duck, which you strap on top of your head. Then you go swimming
underwater until you find a mommy duck and her babies, and you join
them. Then all of the sudden, you stand up out of the water and roar
like Godzilla. Man those ducks really take off! Also Baby Duck Hat
is good for parties.
If you get invited to your first orgy, don't just show up nude.
That's a common mistake. You have to let nudity "happen."
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of
the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around
and saw skulls and bones everywhere. "Uh-oh," he thought. "This
watering hole is reserved for skeletons."